I want to, but I just can't... Get past it, get over it, or put it behind me so that we can move forward...
It still lives fresh in my mind & when the situation continues to present it self, I take ten steps backwards from my recovery. My recovery from broken trust & a broken heart. I love him with everything in me, but my lack of trust is going to be the death of our relationship. Day after day the anger & frustration that I have built up within me finds the quickest outlet & I end up lashing out at him. The smallest things set me off as if I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Everytime I try to evaluate the whole ordeal I cringe & I feel myself questioning if this will ever work between us. The last thing that I want is to resent him & because of my actions have him grow to hate me. I want us to go back to how we originally were, but at this point in time I couldn't do it to save my life.
Am I strong enough for this? Is it even worth it? Is he deserving of my heart? Is he sincere about turning over a new leaf & remaining loyal to me? Or is this just a game to him? All these questions clutter my mind & leave me in my present state... Torn, frustrated & confused. Prayer has been my #1 source during this situation, while trying to find peace within myself & determine which move I should make. I just need HIM to provide me with the strenght to get through this & move past it. I need HIM to restore me with trust & to make my heart whole again so that I can love this man the way I once did. Only time will tell, but whatever is meant to be, will be.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
My mind seems to be in a million different places right now & it's keeping me from being able to express myself through poetry, which is one of my favorite things to do. I've come to this place in my life where I'm not really happy because when I sit back & examine every aspect of my life, I'm not really content with anything. I don't just want to be content... I want to be passionate about my life & everything that I choose to be a part of. If it's school, my job, my relationship... I want to feel passion for it all & right now I'm just going through the motions & that's not what I want at all.
My creativity flows from love, passion, excitement, joy & pain. Pain is an emotion that I've experienced recently, but when I've tried to express this specific situation on paper all is does is bring me to tears. I honestly feel ashamed of what I've allowed to occur in my life & rather not have to relive it by reading about it. But this is something that I've never experienced before because when I'm unhappy or infuriated I usually write my best work... It's usually an outlet for me, but as of lately I haven't seen it that way.
Nothing is how I want it to be, so that's why creatively I'm not there. I first have to pick up the pieces of my life to be able to produce things that I'm proud of. I'd like to think that I'm a work in progress & I will no longer go with the flow or be complacent... I'm about to go under some massive construction. Hope I can get to where I want to be sooner than later...
I've been seeing previews of this Trey Songz Unplugged, which is one of my favorite MTV shows because it captures artists in rare form. It's always so intimate & the live band gives the performance that acoustic vibe that I love. I finally went to MTV.com to see the complete show & I think within the first five minutes of watching I melted. LOL! I still bump Trey's album "Ready" on the regular because it's just that good, so I really enjoyed getting a chance to see him perform some of my favorite songs live. Here he is performing one of my favorite songs by the rock band Kings Of Leon called "Use Somebody" & his own songs "Panty Droppa" & "Neighbors Know My Name". Ladies prepare to have to change your panties! LOL!
I actually first heard this Sara Bareilles song "Gravity" for the first time at the dance studio where I work & I immediately fell in love with the song. I can definietly relate to the song & her voice is so soothing... Here you will see her perform "Gravity" on Stripped, which is one of my favorite shows to see artist perform.
But I'm completely in love with Adele. & I first discovered her through Solange Knowles' blog site. She had a link to one of her performances on there & Solange spoke about this new, up & coming artist who was so talented. & Adele is nothing less than amazing! I watched the video & I ran out to go purchase her debut album titled "19". Her voice is so unique & completely breath taking. Here I have her performing one of my fav songs of her's called "Hometown Glory".
I've been struggling with this poem for my creative writing class for about a week now & I finally completed it! The type of poem is called a Sestina & it has a certain out line that you have to follow to write the poem, so it was a little difficult for me. I'm use to just free styling & writing what I feel when I write, so when you start throwing rules at me I get a little frustrated. But I must say I kind of like the finished product. There are six words that have to repeat throughout the poem & in a certain order so let me just give you guys the setup of the poem...
1 2 3 4 5 6
6 1 5 2 4 3
3 6 4 1 2 5
5 3 2 6 1 4
4 5 1 3 6 2
2 4 6 5 3 1
(1 2) (3 5) (4 6)
So there you have how this ish works. & another thing that bothered me is the fact that the poem isn't supposed to rhyme, which feels crazy & insane to me! But here is my first ever Sestina titled "Many Men" which is about going through trials & tribulations within different relationships that lead up to meeting Mr. Right, Prince Charming or whatever you want to call him. LOL!
Sestina/ Many Men
I've been in relationships with many men,
& all that seems to part from their lips are lies,
Plus, they act like it's human nature to cheat,
I end up with a broken heart when what I was searching for is love,
You know, a relationship that's genuine & real,
& only when I find that can my heart be at peace.
I need consistency, stability & peace,
But so much for finding that with these trifling ass men,
I guess I can't expect everyone to be like me & keep it real,
But does 99.9% of the things you say have to be lies?
I was such a sucker for so called “love”,
In some situations I even stuck around after they cheat.
& after being betrayed at some point I'd be the one to cheat,
Thinking that it would bring me some type of comfort or peace,
When in actuality I was stooping to the level of the one I love,
But there was nothing fulfilling about messing with random men,
& now I'm the one feeding all the lies,
When I use to be the one who was always honest & real.
I take it as a lesson & now I can tell the fake from the real,
& if I've been hurt & feel like it's too much, I'll leave before I cheat,
Never again will I put up with all kinds of bull shit & lies,
I'll only settle for a man that will put my heart at ease & at peace,
I've had my share of good & bad men,
So I'll definitely know when I come across real love.
So I think I've finally found my love,
Our bond is indescribable & so real,
It's like he's out of a fairytale & can't be compared to any other men,
He's faithful... Definitely not a cheat,
He makes me feel secure & he's what keeps me at peace,
He's just like a best friend so there's no need for lies.
If I said I wasn't head over heels it would be nothing but lies,
Never in my life, for one individual have I felt so much love,
& I get the love in return so that fills me with joy & peace,
I know this all may sound so mushy, but it's nothing less than real,
If this were a game to win his heart is the only way I'd cheat,
I've got this tunnel vision now, I don't see any other men.
I'll say it again, that I've had my share of many men & their back stabbing & lies,
Who cheat on a regular basis & are incapable of keeping it real,
But I've been through all of that to finally find my love & be at peace.
Oh how I love & adore these two together <3 I fell in love with this performance that they did together... Jay-Z & Beyonce performing "Forever Young" at Coachella.
It's funny how the way you perceive someone can change with just a few words & trust can go out the window with one wrong action. But as quickly as things can change, the hardest thing you could ever do is regain someone's trust... In the midst of the healing process & not sure if I'll ever be able to trust again...
-- Post From My iPhone
Sooo... If you don't already know, everything that I love, I over love & if I love it I OD it! LOL! & certain things for me become an obsession or even an addiction. One thing that I'm really into right now is bold & bright nail polish. My nails have to stand out & make a statement. I would always go to the nail salon looking for the prettiest & brightest colors, but they just weren't getting the job done, so I started buying my own colors. Since I've started purchasing my own nail polish I've become overly obsessed with the brands Essie & OPI & I literally have enough colors to last me the whole year! LOL! I only have 10 fingers & toes, so I'm going to try & slow down with buying the polish but I don't know how that's going to work out...
The first week of the semester has come & gone & so far I seem to be learning the most in my creative writing class. But that's no surprise because that's the class I'm most interested in. My professor is so passionate about the art form of writing & I love that. I write for pleasure & as a sort of therapy, but I can tell that I'm going to walk away from this class with so much more knowledge about my craft & a deeper appreciation for it. Our first homework assignment was to take our favorite song & from the first two verses, take away all of the words except for the last word of the line & create a poem based off of the last word of those lines. My favorite song of all time is Beyonce's "Dangerously In Love", so that was my song of choice. This isn't my best work, but I just wanted to share with you what I came up with...
Beyonce Dangerously In Love
Baby I love you,
You are my life,
My happiest moments weren't complete if you weren't by my side,
You're my relation,
Connection to the sun,
With you next to me there's no darkness I can't overcome,
You are my raindrops, I am a seed,
With you & GOD who's my sunlight I'll bloom & grow so beautifully,
Baby I'm so proud, proud to be your girl,
You make the confusion go all away from this cold & mixed up world.
& I know you love me,
Love me for who I am,
'Cause years before I became who I am baby you were my man,
I know it ain't easy,
Easy loving me,
But I appreciate the love & dedication from you to me,
& later on in my destiny,
I see myself having your child,
I see myself being your wife & I see my whole future in your eyes,
The thought of all my love for you sometimes makes me wanna cry,
I realize all my blessings, I'm grateful to have you by my side.
Marquise's Dangerously In Love Re-make
I'm declaring it... I love you,
& with you is where I want to spend the rest of my life,
For eternity, that's how long I'll remain by your side,
With no one else, could I ever have any type of relation,
You're my sunshine, there's no need for the sun,
These emotions I feel are one's that I will never overcome,
One day we'll create the perfect seed,
That will grow & bloom like a flower so beautifully,
Our little boy or maybe even a girl,
That we'll nuture & raise to be able to conquer the world.
Lucky me,
You love me & accept me as I am,
You're a real man,
I know it hasn't always been easy,
But you've been here for me,
Continuing to love & support me,
Because we both know that this is destiny,
You're my prince charming, the one a girl dreams about when she's a child,
I fall in love everytime I look into your eyes,
The thought of it makes me want to cry,
I love you & I want to reassure you that I'll continue to be by your side.
I use to be real big on poetry & out of no where I all of a sudden lost my mojo. I'm not sure if it was writers block, if the creative juices just weren't flowing properly or if I just wasn't that enthused with anything to write about it. Either way, the last time I wrote a poem was January 2009... Yes, a whole year ago & I've finally written my newest piece. But what a way to start off my year, all in my freakin' feelings?! This poem is about my love & it's many twists & turns & through it all my love still remains solid... I haven't titled it yet, but here goes...
Love is my best friend & my worst enemy,
It gives me life & then it kills me softly,
I didn't choose it, love chose me,
It stole my heart & is holding it hostage in it's captivity.
It brings me joy that could overflow throughout a lifetime,
& such excruciating pain, I wish I could erase it from my mind,
But it's irrelevant, the pain that love can cause,
Because I'm addicted to the feeling of the fall,
Without it I'm strung out... Just sick,
I'm constantly feening, longing for my next fix.
I hope one day my love & I can officially join forces,
Because my love & his combined can move mountains,
& if I have to wait for him forever, I'll forever be counting,
Counting down the days,
Promise to never go astray,
Love is forever & he will own the rights to my heart always.
But see, our love is jaded & has many complications,
He currently has ties with an additional party who wasn't supposed to be a part of the equation,
She reeled my love in with her bait as persuasion,
& has strung him along for years with the game of manipulation.
My love is there & I am here,
But I would swim across this country to where my heart lives,
Like Beyonce "I wanna run... Smash into you",
Never let go of you,
I'd rather live in you,
That way I'd never have to part from you.
So many barriers to be broken to get to where we need to be,
Sick of this distance & living a life of infidelity,
But I sacrifice myself & my feelings for what's most sacred to me,
Him & this love that controls every ounce of my being,
But will his love for me ever overpower all these outside things?
Distractions & minute things that keep him from focusing,
That keep us going through this cycle ending up back at the beginning,
Where no one in this situation is winning.
But I've stood here... Planted my feet,
Like he once said "I've got that tunnel vision, he's all I see",
He wanted to make me love him forever & it's definitely working,
Every moment we spend, talk or I think about him, he's got my cheeks hurting,
Damn, right now I'm smurking...
So I don't care if I'm wrong,
There must be a happy ending to our love song,
Love is right in my path, in my grasp & me & him belong,
I've been anticipating this for so long,
So I pray that he doesn't dissapear again because he'll forever be gone,
I just can't take another second of this being prolonged.
Yes, our love is tainted but this is fate,
Where ever my love is, is my favorite place,
Because wrapped up in his love is where I feel most safe,
Just want to be able to turn over or look up & see love staring me in the face,
But I've done enough of pleading my case,
& contrary to what some may believe, this love will never be considered a waste,
& regardless of what the outcome is, it's a love that could never be replaced.
Last night I hit the scene with my favorite ladies to celebrate the new year since I kicked it with my fam new years eve. We went to a spot called Play which is on South Beach in Miami. I must say I'm usually not over the top with anything I do, I like to keep it nice & basic but to start off the new year I wanted to do something different & out of my comfort zone to set the tone for this year. It's nothing major but I had to think about it a few times before I stepped out with it on... Instead of doing my normal nude lip gloss, I finally broke down & did thee red lip & I actually liked it. This is just a baby step toward other things that I want to venture out & do as far as wardrobe, school, traveling & just things in life period. 2010 say hello to a new, improved, adventurous & fearless Marquise!
It is officially the first day of the new year & today is another day spending QT with my family... What better way could I start off the new year? It's been a day filled with sleeping, eating, relaxing & I'm loving it. I just wanted to share with you guys some of the pics I took over the course of my Christmas break which include baking Christmas cookies, church service on Christmas Eve, opening gifts on Christmas day & flicks before I got really tore up on New Year's Eve. LOL! Enjoy...
We are closing out the first decade of the new millennium & though most people call it a "New Year's Resolution", I just like to set goals for myself to accomplish throughout the upcoming year. This year, for real this time! I'm going to try my best to get over my fear of driving & finally learn how to drive. Whew... This is going to be a long hard road but I know I can conquer this fear! I'm about to turn 23 years old & I've come to the realization that knowing how to drive is a necessity. I really need it to get through my everyday life because it becomes more difficult for me to get certain things done not being able to get myself from one place to another.
My education is very important to me because I know that it's essential to have if I want to succeed in life. & even though I'm aware of this I really hate to study. This year I'm putting aside a set amount of time to myself for me to study everyday & as a result of hitting the books everyday I hope to make all A's & B's. Okay, I have another confession... A's & B's have never really been that important to me until recently. I would do just enough to get by & as long as I got a passing grade I was fine. Not anymore! I know I'm better than that, so I'm focusing all my energy towards these A's!
I definitely believe in God & I consider myself a very spiritual person but I find myself so busy sometimes that Sunday is the only day I have to rest & I skip out on church. This up coming year I plan to go to church more often, regardless of how tired I am. I recognize that I need to go to church & give thanks because I am so very blessed. In addition to going to church more frequently I want to read my Bible everyday, which shouldn't be a problem because I have the Bible on my iPhone & I want to pray more. I just really need to get more in touch with the ONE who makes everything in my life possible.
Being real & honest with myself & others was on my list for 2009 & it's on my list once again for 2010. I've been pretty successful with being real & I feel like it's most important for me to continue to be real with myself because we sometimes feed ourselves lies to put up with certain things or to make ourselves sleep better at night when we know we're doing something wrong. & I know I don't want to be lied to, so I like to be open an honest with everyone around me so there are no misunderstandings & no one is being mislead. Sometimes the truth hurts, but in my opinion lies hurt worse & I like to go by the saying everything you do in the dark will eventually come to the light.
Yes, I have another confession... I think maybe stating these goals for 2010 is making me reveal a little more about myself than I want people to know. LOL! But hey, I'm a work in progress. So, I consider myself to be a very solid, stable & strong indivdual(WOW! Three positive S's), but I'm a softy when it comes to those I love & I don't mean family & friends... I mean as far as my love life. I constantly find myself bending & compromising a lot to salvage relationships & that's so not happening in 2010. If you thought I was a Badd Bitch in '09, you're going to hate me in 2010! LOVE is my weakness, but I've got to stand my ground. I'm no longer a child, I'm a young adult & I have a future that I'm focusing on, so I don't have time for games. I'm going to be an all-around strong minded individual in 2010.
I've already spoke about not complaining about ish you can & cannot control in a previous blog, but it is on the list of 2010 goals. No complaining! If there's something you can do to change your current state, then do it! If not, what's the use in complaining? The last few things on my list for 2010 are to exercise frequently, which goes hand in hand with eating healthy. I really have to get it together because I eat a lot of unnecessary bull shit... for real! I'm going to try my best & cut back on the fast food & only pick one day out of the week to have it.
OMG! I'm about to really start stacking this cake. I've been doing well with saving my money, but anybody that knows me knows that I'm a shopaholic & I'm definitely no cheap bitch, so I've got to cut back. This means I've got to stay out of the mall because if I hit the mall it's a done deal. I live for shoes, clothes & badd ass watches... Can you tell?! LOL! UGH! & this is like my last confession because I'm giving you all too much... Marquise is no chef, so I'm about to step my cooking game up for 2010! I just stated that I had a future to think about & I hope that includes a husband... Come on, I've got to be able to feed the man & myself. LOL! Last but not least I have to put ME first in everything I do & that concludes my goals for 2010.
